frustrations

Two posts in a 24-hour period. What is going on? Oh yeah, I'm frustrated. But I don't quite know how to put my frustrations to words quite yet. They were birthed out of a conversation with a friend about her experiences at a CRC church service. I had to agree with her in some respects (ie. lack of excitement during 'worship', formality, structure....if you belong to this demonination or have experienced it at all, you know). But what these frustrations became weren't about my denomination, my church, my tradition. They became a frustration about what I was doing in the CRC. I'm employed by a church of said denomination, I grew up in said denomination, I have become traditionalized in the sense that I don't question why we do things a certain way....well I do, but what do I do about them? Heck, James (the drumming one)...you know. How many conversations have we had about our church back home? Maybe the question shouldn't be 'what do I do about them', but 'should I be doing something about them?' And I think that's where I'm frustrated. I find myself frozen with fear when it comes to facing the politics of my church. I want to make sure everyone is happy with what I am doing. And I think this may be causing me to become a product of the environment I'm in...ie. I live for the fear of man, not the fear of God (thanks, Mary Ann for that realization). But what would happen if I lived out of the latter fear? What would that look like? Do I even know? Would God allow my frustrations to be an avenue of change? And I think my biggest question honestly is: Do I really care?