yup.

still alive and kicking. i'll be back.

...searching for something

You must worship no other gods, but only the LORD (Yahweh), for he is a God who is passionate about his relationship with you. [Exodus 34:14]

two words strike me in this passage: passion and relationship. i'm searching for something...and i think it's my passion. either i haven't completely discovered it yet, or i've misplaced it, or i just need to fine-tune it. "fine-tune it". that one's from my pastor. and i think he might be right. just when i thought youth work, church work was out of my future, God puts someone else in my life to redirect me, to ground me...or just to provide further anxiety. ha. it's easy for God to say he's got a passion...he's God. but it's kinda cool to think that on the top of his list is us. here's the setting. God wants a people to call his own, and who in turn will commit to serving Him. they weren't so good at that. before God even gives them a place to stay, his people decide that they need a visible god...and so they make a golden cow. after much debate between God and the leader of these people, God decides to stick with them. it was a close call...i think he was gonna walk away (wouldn't you?). but he doesn't. and it's in this moment, after threatening to walk off, that God reveals His true nature, his drive....the thing that gets him up in the morning. He is passionate about his relationship with us. if that's God's drive, then wouldn't it come to pass that his passions might just rub off on us a little? It's pretty obvious that it has. i don't think there's a soul on this earth who doesn't want to be in relationship with other people. hmmmm...interesting. do relationships get me up in the morning? nope...i blame that on my alarm clock. should they? one more thing to work on...i'll add it to the list. crap. and the search continues...

life catches up.

there was a time when i absolutely loved being busy. going from place to place, from work to meetings to friends to sleep. i felt important. that was many years ago. i'm all growed up now.

frustrations pt. 3

well, the rains never came the next day. but they sure did find their way to ontario. yeesh. the clouds are stalking me. ah well. as i drove to work today, i began thinking about my past week in ontario and life in general. my frustrations had somewhat gotten me down and brought me to a point of thinking about what the heck i'm doing in BC. that's the way it goes for me when i'm in the homeland. the same thoughts passed through my mind last january as i pondered my life on the west coast. then, too, i was tempted to drop all connections, all future possibilities, all aspects of BC life in exchange for Grimsby life. why? is it the comforts of home that bring me to this point? is it the family? is it the friends? is it the work? who knows. i sit and tell myself that God has me here for a reason. that God has me in this church for a reason. that God has given me these very friends for a reason. of that i have no doubt. [do i?]. this was the realization that sunk in as i drove to work today. be thankful. be thankful for where you are. i have a job. i have friends. i have a car. i have a life. just be thankful, dang it. i may not like the fact that i've tied myself down with a job. i crave freedom. [what is freedom?] i may not know exactly why i'm here. but yes, i do have no doubt that there is a purpose to this western life of mine. my frustrations bring me to a point of desiring to know that i am doing such a purpose. that God is using me. that i'm not succumbing to the comforts, to the structure, to the 'i'm doing this because it is what is expected of me' way of life. i want to be 'doing this because i know it's what God wants me to do.' i had a taste of that, and it was good. a frustration brought me to action. action brought results (of which I saw today). God did [does] use me...once i am bold enough to be used by Him. it's a complicated existence, this Christian life. Thanksgiving. i'm thankful i'm not perfect.

frustrations pt. deux

yeah. it's been a dreary, dismal, wet and cold day. welcome to vancouver. just came back from a depressing walk through the rougher areas of New West. it amazes me how these 'dark' areas of any city have a few things in common: strip joints, liquor stores, adult stores -- and lost people. makes you wonder what came first. and it forces you to pray. i was gonna continue my train of thought on frustrations, but will leave it for the next rainy day. i'll post tomorrow.

frustrations

Two posts in a 24-hour period. What is going on? Oh yeah, I'm frustrated. But I don't quite know how to put my frustrations to words quite yet. They were birthed out of a conversation with a friend about her experiences at a CRC church service. I had to agree with her in some respects (ie. lack of excitement during 'worship', formality, structure....if you belong to this demonination or have experienced it at all, you know). But what these frustrations became weren't about my denomination, my church, my tradition. They became a frustration about what I was doing in the CRC. I'm employed by a church of said denomination, I grew up in said denomination, I have become traditionalized in the sense that I don't question why we do things a certain way....well I do, but what do I do about them? Heck, James (the drumming one)...you know. How many conversations have we had about our church back home? Maybe the question shouldn't be 'what do I do about them', but 'should I be doing something about them?' And I think that's where I'm frustrated. I find myself frozen with fear when it comes to facing the politics of my church. I want to make sure everyone is happy with what I am doing. And I think this may be causing me to become a product of the environment I'm in...ie. I live for the fear of man, not the fear of God (thanks, Mary Ann for that realization). But what would happen if I lived out of the latter fear? What would that look like? Do I even know? Would God allow my frustrations to be an avenue of change? And I think my biggest question honestly is: Do I really care?

Top Ten

So here we are, the end of summer. It came quick. Too quick. Out here, summer seems to slide into fall unannounced. Leaves simply turn brown and fall. No explosions of reds and yellows and everthing in between to declare their defeat to the cold. Just shades of brown before the rains come. That's fall in BC I guess.

Top Ten Things about the Summer (in no particular order):

10. Paintballing - first time ever. Such a blast. There's something in the male blood that causes one to enjoy pinging off the head of a 10 year old. Poor guy. He survived though.

9. Seeing friends from Ontario. Good thing swans don't attack, eh Caitlin?

8. Fireworks @ English Bay. Nothing like sitting at the very edge of the ocean watching the colours and hearing the sounds of a sweet fireworks show ...

7. Youth Camping @ Newcastle - a weekend spent on an island. Camping, cards, games, hiking, water, raccoons and deer ... fun all around!

6. Manitoba-in-a-week trip! Woohoo! Driving long distances...hanging out in the Butte, Regina, Morris, Regina (again), Calgary and all the stops along the way. Tons of laughs, good convos...

5. Youth Work Stuff - it was a busy summer...paintballing, waterslides, day @ the beach, fireworks, grouse grind. Tons of fun, awesome kids.

4. Days off - relaxing's always good

3. Learning Crib - who knew jumping little plastic pegs around on a board could be so much fun! Muggins!

2. Swimming in the Ocean - another first time event. Salt kinda spoils the taste, but hey...

1. Grouse Grind - 1 hour 15 minutes of hiking straight up. The gondola ride down definitely made it worth it though... next time we take the gondola up too...

Farewell Summer, Hello Fall!

godliness

based on a comment from a friend: 'I hate being so spiritual one day and then being such a pagan the next.' I thought about that for a bit, and decided that it's the difference between godliness and ungodliness. between Godly living and unGodly living. and I know exactly what he means. unfortunately, the problem with falling into sin is that i don't hate my ungodly moments when i'm in the midst of them. in fact, i pursue them. and the more i pursue them, the harder it is to get back into a Godly lifestyle. i still haven't picked my Bible up in a long time, despite my yearnings for 'unconditional Christianity'. and it's not that i'm enjoying an unGodly life right now -- i mean, i have my unGodly moments, which seem to be more frequent these past few weeks (i've kind of noticed a trend in my blogging...i don't blog often when i sludge through this Godly living stuff). but, despite all of it, i'm growing. It was maybe five or six years ago that i had completely given up on God. He didn't seem to care about me, so why should i care about Him? that was my reasoning five or six years ago. i've come to realize the truth since then. the actual problem was that we both just cared about me. make sense? anyway, so last summer i was going through a time of doubt where i made a conscious decision to trust God, even though i wasn't sure where He was. i remember standing on a cliff overlooking the ocean during our hike with Lifeteams, and telling God that i would continue to serve Him despite the fact i doubted he was there. Now, i know He's there. sure there are doubts. but i know He's there. despite ungodliness, He's there. and He wants me back as much as i want to be back. so i guess it's up to me.

a new leaf

well, i have turned over a new leaf this summer. it might very well be one of the best leaves on my tree of life, too. i've taken to wearing shorts! for anyone who knows me well enough, i have never really been a shorts-wearer, except for when camping, swimming and the rare sporting occassion. generally, however, my legs don't often see the sun in summer. man, what freedom is found in shorts...i tell ya! my legs feel like they're breathing, and the feeling of a fresh breeze blowing the leg hairs around is so refreshing! and as an added bonus, my legs even look tanned! in fact, they're even covered in scratches from a day of removing bushes and trees (in shorts)...making for a great looking pair of a working-man's legs. ha, how surprised you would be to find out i work in an office for the majority of my week. ha! that's a bit of random leg-talk for ya.

unconditional christianity

Just a thought. What if Christians lived their life of service to God unconditionally? It's something that crossed my mind today, and already I know that it's not something that I write in an accusatory manner to other Christians. If I think about it, this thought first crossed my mind yesterday as I realized that my devotional life is in the pits right now. The funny thing is, I know that there are areas of my personal life that go down the pits right along with a lack in my devotional life. And so, the thought came to me yesterday that if I pick up my devotional life again that God would bring other areas of my life back up as well. And so this is where this idea of unconditional Christianity comes from. What if I just did my devotions with no expectations from God? [is this theologically correct?] What if I did my devotions unconditionally?

Every time I hear a pastor (non-Reformed -- and I've actually only experienced this twice to be honest) preach a message on giving financially to the church, I hear them talk about God blessing you in return. That God will bless you 10 times over if you give financially. I have issues with that. And I don't know whether its because I always feel guilty after a sermon like that or if I genuinely feel that these pastors are using God as a way of getting people to give money. I'm not against giving to the church, don't get me wrong, it's just the way that pastors approach this topic. Anyway, the unfortunate thing for me is that I find myself trapped into this mindset that if I give money to the church, God will bless me...and so I give not for the sake of giving, but for the sake of the blessing that is promised in return. What if I gave unconditionally? Would I continue to give if there wasn't a blessing in return? I mean, there's so much crap out there coming from evangelists who claim that God will give people material health, material wealth and material prosperity in return for their commitment of service to Him (or in return for their money). What is that? If that were true, and it was proven that being a Christian brought such things, wouldn't everybody be a Christian? Give me a break.

We speak often about God loving us unconditionally. That is a fact. No matter what we do, no matter where we've been, no matter who we are, God loves us. And God doesn't just love those who follow Him....'for God so loved the world that He gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it.' (John 3:16,17). Is it possible to give even a bit of that unconditional love back? Can we try?

lightbulbs

so ever since Lifeteams, the concept of listening to God has been floating around in my head. i don't mean actually hearing God's voice through my ears, because if i could do that then this concept wouldn't be a problem (probably because i would find myself in a mental institution). the concept that came up in Lifeteams and continues to plague me to this day is that of hearing God's voice through my thoughts. you know, like asking God questions and actually getting a response from God through what I'm thinking (something I'm told can be done). i was talking about this with a friend of mine yesterday, and through our conversation (or chat...or typing...whatever you call an msn convo), i had what i call a lightbulb experience...one of those moments when realization dawns and that little light in your head goes 'ding'. this is that realization (and i quote directly): "i don't doubt God...maybe it's just that I don't trust myself". that's it...can you hear the 'ding'? see this whole concept of listening to God revolves around knowing what is God's voice and knowing what is my own thought...deciphering the two can be tricky. i have spoken to others and have myself experienced times when we thought we were hearing God in our head, only to find out in the end that it was our own desires dictating what we heard. like i told my friend...i don't want that confusion. if i'm going to hear God...i want to be 100% sure that it is Him, and not me hoping that what I'm thinking is God and then finding out it was my own wants. okay, so what? is it absolutely vital for my faith that i know when God is speaking to me in my head? I guess whether i hear Him that way or not, it doesn't negatively affect my faith in Him, so i can honestly say that it is not vital. Like my friend said, "remember, faith pleases [God].. so he likes it better this way even if we don't." no, i hear God and see God working in so many other ways that speaks enough for me. but, i wonder...?

of 38 bills

so bill C-38 has officially passed through parliament. in a short month, it will be officially endorsed by the senate, and Canada will be the 3rd country in the world to support homosexual marriages....hooray!! now maybe the church can move onto more important matters, such as reaching out, loving and guiding those struggling with their sexual orientation instead of condemning them all to hell. hoowee, do i sound cynical or what? sorry.

i tend to look at the positive in situations. in this situation, here is the positive that i see: the government has remained true to its terms that it will not force the church to perform homosexual marriages. awesome! the church should be celebrating that its government supports religious freedom in this country, not condemning the government for turning its back on the church (isn't there something called the separation of church and state in this country?). obviously, this could be taken to the extreme. i hope the government doesn't separate from the church to the extend that the 10 commandment law to not murder will be deemed 'too religious', and therefore should be banned from Canadian law (despite the fact that there are a number of 10 commandement laws that are not recognized in Canadian law). i think that Canadian churches have gotten to the point that, since their money is going to missionaries in foreign countries, they can sit back and relax and enjoy the fact that their money is being put to good work -- that they are 'evangelizing by donation'. unfortunately, that breeds comfort in our church community to the extent that the only way churches feel they can reach out to their neighbour is through politics, not through actually talking to their neighbour. more cynicism. sorry. but i wonder if this trend of our government freeing itself from the church will force the church to be uncomfortable in its own country to the extent that it is forced back to the basics of Christ's teaching that changed people's hearts, not anti-political scheming...something Christ never really got into.

long drives.

i came to a sad realization on the drive up to Vernon yesterday. the drive from Abbotsford to Vernon is about 4 hours (3:50, to be exact). A flight to Ontario is about the same amount of time. Cost difference? About $400. Krikee. I guess one advantage of sitting alone in a car for four hours is that one has time to reflect on such realities. and then write a poem:

An Ode to Jetsgo

Oh, Jetsgo,
Why did you have to ... go?
You had the best prices
And now we're in crisis
As prices have soared
Too much for the poor.
Oh Jetsgo,
Why did you have to go?

so here i am, driving along the coquihalla highway, passing by mountains and mountains and rivers and trees. lots of trees. you know how on drives like that, you kind of zone out and find yourself just driving but not really paying attention to what's going on around you? i found a cure for that. while in 'the zone', manicuring by teeth, i looked up. i don't know how i saw it ... come to think of it, i don't know how i missed it. standing on the shoulder of the highway was a rather large deer. i'm talking a foot from the solid white line that separates the driving lane from the shoulder. you know, the line that we humans are trained not to cross over unless we have our four-way blinkers on and / or are missing a tire. deer don't follow driving rules, and hence, this deer probably didn't understand why there was a white line beneath it's hooves. we had a moment, this deer and i. we literally looked in eachother's eyes. and while i'm quite thankful it ran the other way, i'm not sure why it did. was it because it realized it was no match for my super swift? or was it because i yelled 'Holy Shit!' so loud that my words frightened it off? at any rate, it kept me out of 'the zone' for the remainder of the trip. hello Vernon!

cool things

i'm worried. i know i shouldn't be, but i am. i'm worried because i am loving my job more and more, and i'm loving the youth more and more. i'm worried because, aside from my own unfounded (or confounded) inadequacies, i feel like the anvil is bound to drop sooner or later. i guess a part of it is that i'm still in the honeymoon stage, and the church is just loving the fact that they have a youth director. but more than that, God has been allowing the coolest things to happen right off the bat. i was talking to my sister about this a bit today. seriously, i am getting along well with the youth, and to me, that's the most important thing. if it weren't so, this job would tear me apart.

perhaps the pinnacle of 'coolest things to happen' would be a conversation i had today with an 18-year old youth. this guy is not a part of any church, but has decided that Christianity is the religion for him. as he says, 'it makes the most sense'. in his 'quest for Christianity', he went to a church program one night, through which i was put in contact with him. previous to today, i have had two conversations with him. today he told me he wants to get baptized. dunked. in a lake. he's got a lot of sin he wants washed off. how cool is that? i have to admit, i have had absolutely no part in his coming to this decision (i think God's been working on him for awhile), but i am quite excited that he chose me to be a part of if. see what i mean about God allowing the coolest things to happen? see why i'm scared of the anvil?

good week.

it's been a good week. probably the best in a long time. currently listening to the new coldplay album -- and lovin' it. watched star wars last night -- and loved it. depressing as it was, it gives me hope that there are still people out there who know how to release decent non-clichéd movies. guns. bombs. car chases. they're in the latest previews, and in all new movies it seems. that and comic book characters.

anyway, so most of this week has been spent with the pastor meeting with students who are doing public profession of their faith (in the christian reformed world, that's speak for saying 'I love God and will continue pursuing him in my life'). very cool. good to hear each one share where they're at and why they want to stand on a stage and annouce to a congregation of people that they love God. it's been a good chance to step out of my comfort zone, to nudge students to the edge of theirs and to get to know the pastor. it's been a good week.

kids.

I have this innate fear of raising children. Don't get me wrong, children are great...it's not that I don't like children. It's just that kids are fun to be around for a few hours before they need to go back to their owners. I babysat for the first time in eons yesterday. Two little rugrats that belong to my roommate's sister. Good kids, for the most part. It's funny though, I have noticed children's behaviours in various situations over the last couple days and it's given me an insight into what's wrong with the world today:

Tim Horton's, Saturday around 4:00pm. Whilst standing in line awaiting the coveted Tim Horton's coffee, a young East Indian laddie awaits along the window with his parent. Along comes a caucassian young laddie who stands beside first laddie and proceeds to tap the first laddie on the shoulder. First laddie turns his head to second laddie. Second laddie raises his hand, and waves to first laddie with a smile. Several minutes pass by, first laddie has moved onto the world of Tim Horton's feasting. Second laddie and I are still in line when along comes laddie number three. Laddie number three walks over to a chair that faces second laddie, sits down and waves at second laddie with a smile. A little coffee shop of innocent cheer , thought I. Timmy would be proud.

Church, Sunday around 12:00pm. About 30 young lads and lasses stand in choir formation at the front of the church, belting out various songs for our enjoyment (and entertainment). Far to the left is a young white girl with devolpmental disabilities. Next to her is a young asian girl. The final song calls for the choir to join hands and in one disjointed manouevre, raise and lower connected hands on cue. Little asian girl firmly grips the hand of the girl beside her and will not let her go. Discriminiation is not in the vocabulary of a four-year old.

A house in Abbotsford, Sunday around 5:30pm. Babysitting. Sitting on a couch watching a movie. I discover a little joy that most parents must appreciate. Five year old boy, who previously sacked me (four times), decides that he's had his fun and will sit gently beside me with my arm around him and (I think) enjoy the fact that someone genuinely cares for him. This moment lasts only a few short minutes before he's off on another quest to destroy my body, but it was kinda cool. I may not actually be able to have kids after this experience, but hey.

All in all, it was an interesting little foray into how life on earth should be. Maybe it's not so much our role as adults to teach kids, but to learn from them.

Contentment in hair loss

The bulk of this post is just a continuation of some personal thoughts I had while sitting along a rail line in Abbotsford concerning some circumstances in my life right now. Sometimes I think my best thinking happens when I'm alone beside a train track:

I have to learn to be content. That is one thing I have been called to. That doesn't necessarily mean I have to be (or am expected to be, or that I should always be) happy. The Christian faith doesn't automatically bring with it earthly happiness, I don't think. Paul encouraged Timothy to be content. What is contentment? I think contentment is just being able to, in all situations, understand and know that God has everything under control. One of the doctrinal statements of our church is that God is so in control of everything that not even a hair can fall fom our heads without the will of our Father in Heaven. In my human mind, that concept is incomprehensible. Does God really care about a single hair on my head? Biblically, He knows how many hairs are on my head, so I guess in a way he's keeping track. But does he will a receding hairline? I don't know.

What I do know is that He does work out all things for the good of those who put their trust in Him. Is that 'good' judged by human standards? Of course not. If it were, nobody would ever die, cancer would not exist, families would not break apart, relationships wouldn't end. No, the 'good' is based on God's wisdom. God knows what is good for His children a lot better than we think we do. And that's one of the best and worst aspects of the true Christian life. In all things, we are called to trust GOd's wisdom. Even through the crap, the loneliness, the loss...God calls us to trust. That's not an easy thing to do. Trusting in the unknown is not easy. But my limited understanding of God tells me that He understands. He understanes why we'd rather do it our own way. He understands why we would turn our backs on Him. He understands that His 'good' is not the same as ours, but He's gonna teach us that it is even better than the best 'good' we can aim for on our own strength. Our call, my call even now, is to trust that all things happen for a purpose. There's no chance, there's no coincidence. Mabye God wants some of us to be bald and so He actually is willing to let those hairs fall out of our head. I'm not going bald, by the way, it's just an analogy. I don't know.

Yeah, I wish things would work out the way I want them to. I wish my 'good' was good enough for God. I wish I could understand even now the purposes in the seemingly random and unfortunate events that take place in life. Then again, maybe life would be boring. If everything that I wanted in life, that I thought was good came into being, I think I'd be bored. And I would probably think that I don't need God because everything I want is provided. The joy in living a true Christian life, once realized, is that we aren't given everything we want. But God does provide for our needs, and for me, for the most part, that's good enough.

early morning thoughts

5:50 am. What in the heck am I doing up? Better yet, why the heck were there birds chirping outside my window at 5:00 this morning? Anyways, I'll be on my way up to Kelowna in about 10, so thought I'd fill my time with some writing. Funny how the brain doesn't function at this time in the morning. Current thoughts of late that have been preoccupying my mind: accountability (still); summer planning for youth; spiritual dryness; community; moving to New West for the summer; why I don't seem to care about certain things. Hmmm...ride's here, gotta go!

oh....accountability.

i dread that word. accountability. i dread the concept that comes with it. i dread being accountable to someone else and i sure as heck know i suck at holding someone else accountable. i met with a pastor from the local CRC out here at a little coffee shop called Ethical Addictions yesterday. As i waited for the 'guy with a cream-coloured pullover', i looked over at the corner of the coffee shop and saw a pastor of mine from my year at Lifeteams (www.lifeteams.ca). i admire this man simply because he always seemed like a down-to-earth, practical and understandable preacher. he always wants what's best for the church he pastors and it was always evident (haven't been there since returning to BC though...). anyway, he knew that i had just started a youth director position in a church and was eager to share some advice from his 15 years of youth work (that he started when he was 26...i'm about right on there. but he was married. way behind on that one). one thing he suggested to me was just to spend as much time as possible with the students in our church, just hanging out with them. what? i can do that? like, i know it's a part of my job and i've been doing that to some extent, but he was actually suggesting doing that more often and less focused on sitting in a coffee shop and chatting with them one-on-one. wow...i think i've got a sweet job! i still have to wrap my head around that one, but i'm looking forward to see where that goes...

okay, back to the accountability thing. pastor Ray stressed to me the importance of having someone outside of the realm of the church whom i can go to with a mind full of stuff to unload...a sounding board if you will. someone who is not connected to the church so that i can bring my real complaints, my true feelings and my fearful fears of youth ministry. and i know the importance of this...i do. acting on it is somewhat foreign to me though. maybe 'foreign' is the wrong word. difficult. that's the one. i've realized over the past couple of days that i am not one to share my problems with. i would just rather do stuff on my own and spend more time worrying about stuff out of my hands than have someone on the outside tell me that it is out of my hands. i'd rather hold on to my struggles, my pains, my fears, my life than let someone else in on what it is that i hold on so tightly to. and i know God has put people in my life who are willing and able to understand me...and want to understand me. and i also know that i need to step out on that limb and trust that nobody will push me off.

My God is in a box.

I don’t know when exactly it happened. I’m sure there was a time when my God was freely swimming around the vastness of my imagination…diving in and out of its innocent waters, less concerned about my own clean, cool, uninhibiting pond than the neighbour’s dirty green pool. But soon enough, the inevitable occurred. Whether due to a lack of proper care on my part, or whether it was a taught transgression into improper maintenance -- or both -- my God was soon confined to my own dirty green water-filled hole. I have put God in a box.

Once in a while He’ll come out and surprise me with a newfound understanding…just a glimpse of his vastness, his omni-[presence][potence][science]. But it isn’t long before that new understanding frightens me. The fright of it (or the ‘it’ behind the fright) forces me to gently lower Him back inside his holding cell, until, like a Jack-in-the-Box, he will surprise me once again. Was it me who turned that handle? Was it me who caused Him to pop out in the first place? Was it a series of fortunate events, each one giving the handle a quarter-turn? Or was it a power beyond my understanding, such as the third person in the party of three we call ‘Trinity’? I don’t know, most likely a combination of all of the above. Whatever. As long as that handle keeps getting turned. As much as I’d hate to admit, I like the surprise of it all. It’s about time my pal Jack popped out again.

idiots of the world today.

so i'm driving around abbotsford around 8:20pm last night (the second night U2 plays out a sold-out concert in Vancouver), listening to the radio as usual. between songs, the DJ plays back a phone conversation he had with a lady around 8:10:

Lady: I was wondering what time U2 went on stage for their concert last night
DJ: From what I've heard, they didn't get on stage until around 8:00 or so
Lady: Oh, that's good...I was just wondering whether it was worth it for me to drive out from New West yet
DJ: It would be worth it just to see the encore...

Lady! What the heck do you mean 'I was wondering if it would be worth it'?! Give me the freaking tickets if you're going to putz around New West with two gold tickets in your hand! What are you doing? Lady!

The joys and sorrows of government

No, this post has nothing to do with the Gomery inquiry, or on any potential guesstimates on the timing of our next election. It has to do with taxes. I love the government. A few weeks ago, a nice little bonus popped into my bank account out of the blue. I don't completely understand why the government chooses to pay me off under the title 'GST Rebate' or something like that....but I certainly am not complaining. Oh, did I mention I also dislike the government? See, I figured that with me going to school full-time last semester and not really earning much by way of income, I'd have a pretty nice looking rebate coming my way. Little did I understand the workings of part-time employment and a certain benefit called CPP. Here's my understanding of the issue. When one works part-time, the employer is not required to subtract any income tax from their pay. Okay, no problem there...except during tax time, the income tax subtracted from one's pay is what is returned to that same person during tax time. When one has no income tax removed from two part-time jobs, that same person should not expect to get a return from such non-existant funds. And here's the CPP deal. When a business is payed for services provided, CPP (or Canada Pension Plan) is not deducted from that business' payment. When that same business is actually just a person providing a service for another, that person does not pay the required CPP contributions. Hence, when it comes to tax time, and one has no income tax to claim and has not payed their CPP dues, that person should not expect to get a rebate from the government at tax time. In fact...that person can actually expect to PAY the government something along the lines of $239.39. That figure just popped into my head. haha. I used to love tax time. Poop.

Mexico Thoughts

Trust. Trust is huge for the Christian community in Mexico. Why? Because that's the best thing they have ... and it goes hand in hand with faith. Evidence of that for me was on Thursday when Jarod fell ill. When Effron found out, the first thing -- the very first thing he did -- was place his hand on Jarod and pray. He prayed in spanish and finished in english. I wish I could remember his prayer in my tongue. I forget how it came about, but within minutes, Effron was sharing with Vince and I why he had just prayed for healing.
"Because we don't have medicine down here, we can't afford medicine," he said. "We have a healer, it's the best thing we can rely on."
Trust. As Effron and I spoke in the living room and later on the sundeck of the church, tears came to my eyes as I came to see how faith and trust must work together. Effron had faith God would heal, and trusted that he would see the fruits of that faith in the healing. Jarod did get well again, only after a trip to a hospital in the states. I wonder if healing would have been taken place more miraculously if we Canadians, we 'Americans' had the same faith as the Christian community of Mexico.
"You're faith has healed you," said Jesus to the blind beggar (Luke 18:42). When Jesus saw the faith of the paralyzed man and his friends, he brought healing (Luke 5:20). It wasn't just the faith of the one needing a miracle, but the faith of those who brought him to see Jesus -- his friends. As Effron prayed for Jarod I thought, That's the way it should be, but I never really blieved it would work. Only when we had brought him back to the States, to a hospital, in the hands of trained and educated doctors did I think he would be okay. Where did that faith go? ... or better yet ... why are we not raised with such faith in our Western world?
If there is one thing I want to leave Mexico with and take back with me to Canada, to BC ... to this house ... it's a faith that God will do and a trust that I will see Him do it.

randomness of the mind.

Not sure what to write, but it's been awhile since I've written here, so we'll see what happens. Um, well, nothing much has changed since March 3, except that it's almost been three weeks since then. Time absolutely flies when you're doing nothing, seriously. These past two months have been a blur. If you were to ask me when the last time it was that I sat in this chair and relaxed, I could honestly tell you that it could have been any one of the days between January 30th and now. Probably almost all of them, except for the one full day I was in Whistler and the one full day I was in Richmond. I've been told I relax well. Good thing? Bad thing? I don't know, it's probably just such a constant thing right now that somebody had to comment about it. It'll be tough to get out of this prolonged state of laziness, but I know that once I get working again I'll be constantly busy. I hear youth work is a 24/7 job, despite any indications that it's a part time position. Oh yeah, and the serious lack of money ... scratch that ... it's not just that I lack money, it's that the money I have been using comes with a 19% interest rate ... so that will inspire me to get off my arse again too.

Probably the most exciting news here is that I will be entering a Third World country for the first time in my life ... that being Mexico. I'll be jumping into a van with a ton of students and some leaders for the three day drive down in order to spend a week or so in a 'tent city' with the intent of reaching out to the Mexican community. I'm looking forward to it for two reasons: I know that an experience like this will change lives, and 1) I'm eager to see 20 or so young lives changed. 2) I know I will be changed by the experience. I don't know what to expect, but I do know that something will be different when we return. A vague statement, I know...hopefully to be clarified soon after our return.

More to come soon...

welcome to real life.

a few random people have popped in and out of my life these past few days. one girl from meford, ontario who i met while walking through vancouver, was sitting on the ground outside of a strip club begging for money. she had no place to stay that night as the shelters were full and hostels and hotels too expensive. she wants to go back to ontario but now she has a child in vancouver who she doesn't want to leave behind. she had markers and a colouring book to keep her company that night. the next girl, an 11th grader from a school here in Abbotsford, randomly (or not) sat beside me in the park up the street as i was reading. we talked for an hour and a half about things from God to animals to fears to life. interesting girl who loves being miserable. and lastly, an 18 year old guy. issues with drugs, drinking...he had a huge scare when a couple of thugs held him captive in his apartment for a few hours because his roommate owed them money. the next night he stayed at our place. now, despite death threats, he's moving back in with his roommate. all good people in different walks of life. the 11th grader asked me how God could be when there is so much misery in the world -- when bad things happen to good people. somehow, i doubt 'faith' was what she needed to hear.

Sunday -- the day of rest

(and an official day off Lent!)

9:30am • wake up
10:00am • church (haven't gone since I came back from Ontario....went to a new church, 'twas good)
11:30am • church ends, have two cups of coffee @ church
12:00pm • come home, make coffee, drink two cups, play Railroad Tycoon III (!!!)
5:00pm • realize I wasted 5 hours playing game
5:01pm • continue playing game
6:00pm • clean house
6:30pm • make supper -- french toast
6:35pm • make coffee
6:45pm • blow fuse in living room (probably the coffeemaker) -- landlords gone, don't know what to do, light candles
7:00pm • continue cleaning
7:25pm • landlords come home -- fuse box is in my closet. I knew I'd seen it somewhere
7:30pm • Bible Study, drink two cups of coffee
10:00pm • most people leave, hang out with those remaining
12:00am • listen to and get involved in theological debate about attaining perfection on earth
1:30am • theological debate ends
1:31am • Railroad Tycoon begins
3:30am • Railroad Tycoon ends, sleep begins
5:00am • wake up, toss and turn, curse coffee
5:30am • fall asleep
10:00am • wake up to a new day of caffeine free tea!

love & acceptance

So I was watching ER last night, a show i haven't watched in a long time....when an interesting concept about love and acceptance came up. dr. weaver had just told her Christian mother that she was a homosexual, to which the mother responded (understandably) in a shocked manner. I say understandably not because that's the kind of reaction one would expect from a christian, but because i think any mother ... christian or not ... would respond similarly. Anyway, the doc asked her mother if she could still be accepted, to which the mother responded, I will still love you...or something like that. hmmmm....interesting. the episode brought up some issues about the church vs. homosexuality that the producers obviously felt needed to get across, like that there are all these horrible things going on in the world, so why are christians jumping on this homosexual issue. point taken. i was watching it with other christians who shared their opinion that the episode painted all of christianity with one anti-gay brush. i would agree with them on that stance, however, the unfortunate truth is that those christians who speak the loudest are the ones who the homosexual community hears. and unfortunately, too many Christians are willing to just sit back and allow that voice speak for fear of getting involved in the issue at hand....

back to the love and acceptance thing. is it possible to love somebody and NOT accept them? i had never thought of this concept previous to last night's episode. a common christian cliché is 'love the sinner, hate the sin'. unfortunately, i think christians apply that philosophy to everyone but the christian community...which in reality is a community of sinners (who, hypothetically, are a community of individuals who have recognized that yes, in fact, I am a sinner...and therefore the only way to accept that fact is to admit it, accept forgiveness for my sinful nature, and commit myself to a life of learning what it takes to be a forgiven sinner in a world of sinners needing forgiveness). hence, my new cliché will be 'love the sinner.' period. that means Christians are (i am) called to love every single person they (i) come in contact with....the greedy, the proud, the selfish, Christian, the non-Christian, the homosexual, the heterosexual, etc. you get my drift.

once again, back to the love and acceptance thing. you understand where i'm coming from on the love issue now. about the acceptance thing. does love automatically mean acceptance? take last night's episode of ER, for example. Weaver's mother could love her daughter, but not accept her for who she was. maybe this is where the cliché should come in....'accept the sinner, don't accept the sin'. is there a difference here between this and the love cliché? or could it be that we are just called to love and accept the sinner, and let God take care of the sin in others while we worry about the sin that is 'crouching at our door'. If, as Christians, we are living up to our calling, will it not follow that our life, our example, our faith, our words, our God will open the eyes of those who haven't recognized the sin in their life to their need of forgiveness as well? i'd like to think so ... anything more could cause us to be proud of those whose lives we've changed, when 'we' have only played the smallest of roles in the mystery that is God.

40 days of herbal

So today is the first day of Lent. Forty days of sacrificing something in one's life to experience lack. According to www.kencollins.com/holy-04, "by observing the forty days of Lent, the individual Christian imitates Jesus’ withdrawal into the wilderness for forty days." Do you think Jesus had coffee after those 40 days?

So, according to some people around here, my caffeine intake is rather high. I can't help it that I woke up to a full pot of coffee cooling off in the coffeemaker yesterday, crying out to be consumed by the only person left in the house to drink it! Such things can't be wasted! Ah. I guess they've got a point. So, now that I'm off caffeine, I've taken to herbal tea. I just started my first cup and it's already 4:30 in the afternoon. Not bad, considering this is about the time of day that I drink my third of fourth cup of coffee. I think there are about 20 herbal teabags (strawberry!) sitting around the house here, so that should get me halfway there. After that, I'll have to start boiling down my shampoo. Ah, thank goodness for Herbal Essences.

back 'home'

Well, another chapter in the life journey of Matt has come to an end as I have returned to BC for the manyieth time :) It's a bit of a different chapter this time as I really feel like I'm headed into it blindly, not sure exactly what lies ahead. While this honestly does scare me, it is kinda exciting at the same time -- kinda. I'll continue my job search when I return to BC, and I have a job interview for a Youth Director position at a church in New West when I get back. Other than that, I will be spending the bulk of my first week back job searching, and for anyone who knows me well, you know that I am picky about such matters -- which could present a problem. Limited walking ability due to my sprained ankle will also hamper my efforts, as walking has been my sole mode of transportation in Abbotsford. If all goes well though, I hope to be finishing up my Youth Work Diploma at CBC in the fall semester...then I'll take it from there...

It's always hard to leave a place I actually do love being at, whether it be Grimsby or Abbotsford. 'They' say that home is where the heart is. I would say that home is where my family is....family being those who I care about and those who I know care about me...so that means I've got a lot of family in BC and in Ontario (and in between).......