oh....accountability.

i dread that word. accountability. i dread the concept that comes with it. i dread being accountable to someone else and i sure as heck know i suck at holding someone else accountable. i met with a pastor from the local CRC out here at a little coffee shop called Ethical Addictions yesterday. As i waited for the 'guy with a cream-coloured pullover', i looked over at the corner of the coffee shop and saw a pastor of mine from my year at Lifeteams (www.lifeteams.ca). i admire this man simply because he always seemed like a down-to-earth, practical and understandable preacher. he always wants what's best for the church he pastors and it was always evident (haven't been there since returning to BC though...). anyway, he knew that i had just started a youth director position in a church and was eager to share some advice from his 15 years of youth work (that he started when he was 26...i'm about right on there. but he was married. way behind on that one). one thing he suggested to me was just to spend as much time as possible with the students in our church, just hanging out with them. what? i can do that? like, i know it's a part of my job and i've been doing that to some extent, but he was actually suggesting doing that more often and less focused on sitting in a coffee shop and chatting with them one-on-one. wow...i think i've got a sweet job! i still have to wrap my head around that one, but i'm looking forward to see where that goes...

okay, back to the accountability thing. pastor Ray stressed to me the importance of having someone outside of the realm of the church whom i can go to with a mind full of stuff to unload...a sounding board if you will. someone who is not connected to the church so that i can bring my real complaints, my true feelings and my fearful fears of youth ministry. and i know the importance of this...i do. acting on it is somewhat foreign to me though. maybe 'foreign' is the wrong word. difficult. that's the one. i've realized over the past couple of days that i am not one to share my problems with. i would just rather do stuff on my own and spend more time worrying about stuff out of my hands than have someone on the outside tell me that it is out of my hands. i'd rather hold on to my struggles, my pains, my fears, my life than let someone else in on what it is that i hold on so tightly to. and i know God has put people in my life who are willing and able to understand me...and want to understand me. and i also know that i need to step out on that limb and trust that nobody will push me off.